Excuse me as I throw up my thoughts on you....

This phenomenon called a blog is yet another clean spreadsheet for me to place ever so neatly my uncut and uncensored thoughts. Not so much to be read as it is to free up some space in my brain from the clogged up traffic that never ceases to end. Sitting here in front of the computer screen I just try to figure out how to throw up my thoughts in a lady like way. It's not really working so I guess I'll just continue with what I came here to do. Thanks for holding my hair back as I take care of business.

As I grow older in years I realize more and more the things that make up the healthy part of me. In order for me to relate to others and to hopefully be understood there are some core values I feel as if I need to relay or share with someone in order for me to create a bond of friendship. I haven't really numbered in order of importance yet those values but i'd like to talk about one of them in particular. Somewhere towards the top and I mean the very top would be reliability. I guess you could tie into that being trustworthy and honest and I feel that they are almost one in the same for me. When someone makes a commitment and breaks it that can almost be worse for me than talking bad about me. I feel pretty confident about myself, I know i don't fit everyones standard of the perfect person but I feel okay with what i'm working with and so when someone says something about me I will usually look at the situation and the person and take it into consideration and if it has validity I will work on it. Not so bad. But when someone I see as a friend consistently breaks a commitment not matter how small or big they may see it (because I see commitments as one size)I am not only disappointed but I take it personally. Because I feel commitments are a way of showing someone how important they are to you the sting of the slap in the face lingers a while and can make me reassess my contribution in that friendship.I guess the long story short...who wants to be a stock shareholder in a business that no one really wants to invest time and money in. Am I right or am I right? lol Glad you see it my way.

Next thought. Before I come off as the cut throat ice queen from Narnia in relationships I want to let those of you who have read thus far (who usually are just the people I love anyways..cuz everyone else is bored before it even gets good) on a little glimpse of me as a dreamer. In a wonderful world when I viewed life like I did when I was a young girl at disneyland and felt the magic and wanted to be a part of the magic and would do anything to hide away in the amusement park because I thought all the characters came to life and I could just live happily ever after. That was me as a little girl dreamer. I don't know what the "happily ever after" consisted of, but the feeling that preceded that thought was one I try to feel every so often. I've gotten so logical and systematic in my thinking and way of being that sometimes it overpowers those sensitive feelings I had as a little girl. Sometimes in my big girl outfit and skin, when I step away from the realism and responsibilities of the grown up world when i'm not worried about if i'm communicating myself well, or trying to make things better for my family or living up to my potential or inspiring others to learn for themselves or making sure i'm keeping up with the current world I try to recognize that feeling again. I call it that dreamer feeling. I felt it when i decided to serve a mission. When I first wrote a song and heard someone sing it. When I first fell in love. I feel it after I teach and when I know something I have said has answered someones question.

Anyways, I'm hoping to put my life in order. To not be so systematic all the time. To let my guard down and not always be calm and proper. I hope to take more risks and not live on shoulda's and coulda's. August I turn into a new decade of my life. I think i've lived out my 20's in a good way. I don't know how long i've got but I guess the best thing to do right now is to hike up my skirt get on that bull and ride it like there ain't no tomorrow. Don't know where that came from but just like anything that supersedes a throw up session I know there's bound to be some regret of what I said tonight. lol Oh well pass me a towel please. Thanks.